Oceans
I remember the day like it was yesterday.
We went into the doctor's office to hear the baby's heart beat. We had no idea that our world was about to be flipped upside down.
"We can’t find a heartbeat." "It just wasn't meant to be." "At least you know you can get pregnant." "These things happen for a reason." With every word the doctor said, it was like a knife stabbing me in the heart. This was supposed to be the answer to 4 long years of prayer. We had already told everyone. We were SO READY to be parents.
It was such a long ride home. Our families were waiting to hear how the appointment went and, up until now, I'm sad to say that I never once thought about how they felt thru this. I couldn't see past my own pain.
I made Derek call and tell everyone what was going on. I refused to answer my phone. My little sister, Annie, did something that I will never forget. She sent me a link to a song and just said, "I don't know what to say, just know I love you."
I played the song and bawled my eyes out. This song has become my anthem. Over the next few months, I listened to this song on repeat. It is all I could listen to-for hours and hours. And some days, I still do.
Ironically enough, for as long as I can remember, the ocean has always been MY place. It's where I spent countless hours as a child and where I'd run to as a teenager. Into adulthood, it's been a safe place of refuge and healing.
Just like the ocean, waves come in life-monstrous waves. Being thrown into the relentless waves of a miscarriage and infertility, was something I never could have seen coming. Just like the rip tide, my feet were pulled out from under me and I was paralyzed with fear. I had been sucked out to sea and all my hope was gone. Through God's grace, however, I'm swimming, slowly but steadily, back to shore.
Here are the lyrics to the song that has ministered to my soul for so long.
"And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"
Where feet may fail-that is what I'm clinging to thru this process. God hasn't failed me yet and He isn't going to start now!
<3 Laur